31 July 2007

Hoe, Hoe, Hoe

Introducing The Revolutionary Micro-Hoe! Invented by Me; Patent Not Pending; All Rights Reversed. Order Now. One Week Only, Free Cardboard Box1 Included!

For ages, now, I've been wanting one of these.  See, the problem is that I garden using the Deep Bed Method (about which I shall pontificate at a more apropos time.)  This means that a lot of plants get spaced much more closely than recommended by All Manufacturers.  In particular Onions and Garlic are a Perennial Problem2.  They hate weeds, and suffer them poorly.  But they're so closely spaced that any form of conventional hoe is a non-option.

"What to do? What to do?"  Enter the Revolutionary Micro Hoe.  I managed to bum a bit of scrap off the local metal merchants4 to (finally! eventually!) implement the implement: the Plan I've had in mind for months5.

The metal bit is only about 5cm wide, and sharp enough to shave a sheep, meaning it will fit between cramped rows of Onions, severing the roots off Terrible Weeds without damaging the pencil-thick Onions.

Fields trials seem to show that this one is a winner.  Took me less than ten minutes to hoe a 10m2 bed full of Weeds (and a few Onions).  It snickedthrough the weeds like... Oh! Enough with the similies!... It cut through them really easily.

I don't have the angle of the blade quite right, yet.  It needs to be a bit moreacute an angle (contrary to all expectation) than it is.  On the other hand, that involves dismantling the entire contraption, re-sawing the slot in the handle, and re-setting the blade.  More than I can face today.  In use, the handle has a disconcerting tendency to twist anti-clockwise, and that gets a bit uncomfortable after using the Hoe for a time.  But I can live with that, considering how much quicker it is that Hand Weeding!

If you're a Real Human Person wanting to build your own MicroHoe to my design, go ahead with my blessing.  If you're a Company seeking Fortune through the manufacture of MicroHoes, please fuck off.  It's my design, hereby Open Sourced for Real Human Beings.  Only!

[1] Just some random cardboard box, mind you.  No guarantee that the MicroHoe would fit into it, or anything.

[2] AKA a Pain In The Arse3.

[3] "Ass" for the 'Merkins.

[4] Too unhip to even have a website!

[5] Could be years, actually.  My Scotch-addled brain glosses over time like... well... like something very glossy6!

[6] ...had in mind something along the lines of "like gumboots on a duck-beshitten lawn", but I couldn't make it scan.

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